The very best love themed tweets…
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
— Danielle Grace (@danimgrace) May 12, 2015
[My Wedding]
— Shark Jelly (@SharkJelly) September 5, 2015
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
"Big deal! You got a wife, I've got a rash! Who cares?" #happyvalentinesday pic.twitter.com/Og7x0YJOhW
— The Simpsons (@Simpsons_tweets) February 14, 2017
When you and your girl arguing and you're both wrong so you start mocking each other pic.twitter.com/M3MxAatRRX
— Trash Quavo (@TrashQuavo) May 11, 2017
more bad news for single people pic.twitter.com/Qvyn98PxAQ
— harry moore (@Harry_Moore_) July 19, 2017
I can't tell if I'm flirting with you either.
— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) July 22, 2017
Maybe women get married so they only have to deal with one man.
— Irene Morales (@irenesmoraless) October 6, 2017
My best friend & I vowed if we’re still single at 40, we’re going to hi-five.
— Solomon Georgio (@solomongeorgio) January 14, 2018
If I die young, tell my wife she was garbage. pic.twitter.com/uBe2uQqMyy
— Dave Shumka (@daveshumka) January 29, 2018
Every day when I leave the house to do something important, the last thing I hear as I go out the door is Arlene's voice saying, "You'll be great!" Amazing what that does for a person.
— Alan Alda (@alanalda) March 7, 2018
the instagram story display order algorithm is so humbling it knows who i have a crush on before i do
— t (@radioheadass) November 28, 2018
happy valentine's day!!! do you believe in love??? these galapagos tortoises dated for almost 100 years and then they broke up and now they hate each other and no one knows why https://t.co/X3fWVW2RDw
— cara giaimo (@cjgiaimo) February 14, 2019
It’s weird that the element of surprise is so intrinsic to the modern engagement. Can’t wait until I too am pranked into life long commitment!!
— Katie Hannigan (@katiehannigan) February 24, 2019
doctor doolittle is *the worst*, yet it contains cinema's greatest minute pic.twitter.com/nZRgY3Db9b
— Katie Stebbins (@_katiestebbins_) September 17, 2019
One of the many things that distorted the shaping of my young brain was learning that Al Bundy didn't want to fuck his horny wife. She wanted it! She was hot! What was his problem? Fuck your horny wife!
— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) October 4, 2019
When I say “hi doggy” and the man walking the dog says “hello!” in the dog’s voice? That’s sex to me!
— Amy Silverberg (@AmySilverberg) October 8, 2019
you are not a grown-up until you can watch the notebook and realize noah and allie are absolute fucking nightmares.
— Anne T. Donahue (@annetdonahue) October 16, 2019
3-months into the relationship: pic.twitter.com/u7jRWA61Br
— MaxineFeliceShaw (@Auntyfolks) November 3, 2019
It’s truly dystopian how mixtapes used to come from people with crushes on us and now they come from algorithms
— 祖思薪🔥🐍 Eugenia Zuroski (@zugenia) November 11, 2019
Simply CANNOT get over how RIDE OR DIE women are! pic.twitter.com/ERUiM7GB9E
— Steve Hernandez (@BigHern) January 18, 2020
Spent Valentine’s Day writing “I’m hard” in couples IG posts.
— Graham Kay (@mrgrahamkay) February 15, 2020
In the seconds before you die, you should be allowed to know everyone who was secretly in love with you at some point.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) May 1, 2020
In Mexico (probably other places too), Valentine’s Day is “the day of love and friendship.” But Americans only seem interested in the romantic connections, as if platonic relationships aren’t just or even more foundational to a person’s life. Friendship doesn’t get enough credit.
— Carlos Aguilar (@Carlos_Film) February 14, 2021
there are 7-10 women i could text at any point in time that will justify a fucked up purchase for me and i’d die for them
— ¢orie (@corietjohnson) February 25, 2021
My patients boyfriend passed out while she was giving birth yesterday and when he got up my good sis said “you just had to make it about you” 😂😂 I screamed
— theMidwife (@NessTea_) February 28, 2021
Why isn’t there a “man apologizes” tab on pornhub?
— Blair Dawson (@urgirlblair) March 1, 2021
good morning to everyone but especially the woman who got on the elevator with her tiny dachshund and immediately announced “she’s in heat, look out”
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) March 4, 2021
Do I wanna get married or do I just want a wedding? Do I want a wedding or do I just want a big party celebrating my love w someone? Do I want a big party celebrating my love w someone or do I just want an exciting cocktail hour that's all about me?
— julia shiplett (@juliashiplett) March 5, 2021
Wait I want a book launch
I have a theory... that maybe... just maybe... that person you’re dating... would be more emotionally available... if you... how do I say this... “ruled more”?
— Hunter Collins 𖤐 (@Hunter_Collins) March 10, 2021
Divorce is when the person who knows you better than anyone in the whole world, thinks you suck.
— nick griffin (@thenickgriffin) March 12, 2021
My aunt got a divorce and I asked how she felt and she said “I thought I had an anxiety disorder but it turns out it was just your uncle”
— Amy Silverberg (@AmySilverberg) March 13, 2021
women who reject public proposals are queens
— thot choc (@shreyabasu003) March 24, 2021
"the worst she can say is no" ok but what if she says "ew"
— not three raccoons in a trenchcoat (@50FirstTates) March 25, 2021
y’all be in relationships too long other people wana date you too damn
— mick (@fckyousluts) April 18, 2021