September 14, 2022

August Actions 2022

by Liz Heather in Best of NYC, Family, Links, Movies, Music, Personal

sunflowers sunflower summer liz heather august 2022

Wow, this is by far the latest monthly post, sorry about that. I wish I had an excuse for my lateness, but this is a free site so I don’t owe you a damn thing!

Summer is almost at an end and I couldn’t be happier about it. This will soon be me.

betty boop pumpkin lighting halloween gif

Here’s what went down in August!

You can find my favourites tweets of the month over here and here.
I got coffee at Cafe Renis in Astoria and it’s perfect. Love an independent coffee place.

I’ve decided that the best canned tomatoes you can get in the U.S. come from the brand Afeltra and they’re sold at Eataly.
The Chelsea Hotel finally reopened so I stopped by for a (ridiculously overpriced) coffee and yes the renovation took forever, but damn it’s gorgeous.

the chelsea hotel new york city nyc august 2022 liz heather — The Chelsea Hotel lobby, August 2022

I bought these running shoes I found at Marshalls and I loooooove them. Who doesn’t love a shoe that feels like a heavy sock?
I also can’t stop taking photos in this Zara dress. Clearly.
It’s finally the time of year when Lemax (the worldwide leader in collectable village miniatures) releases their new Halloween collection and I’m fighting every urge inside my body to buy THE GLOOM ROOM.

gloom room lemax 2022 collection liz Heather Halloween miniatures — The Gloom Room from Lemax, 2022 Collection (not shown: the figures DANCING IN THE ROOFTOP BALLROOM)

Completely out of nowhere, but does everyone know how cool-looking the Tommy Bahama wrapping paper is? Just beautiful.
I tried these Lays West Indies’ Hot ‘n’ Sweet Chilli and they were tasty as hell.

lays west indies hot n sweet chilli potato chips liz heather

I have forever loved the top of this building (below) and have always wondered what the inside looks like. Now I know and it’s shot to the top of my must-live-in list.

141 fifth avenue new york city ny favourite apartment — The Cupola Penthouse at 141 Fifth Avenue, NYC

I had dinner at the breathtaking Riverpark with Irene and the food was really good.
It’s almost embarrassing how many times I’ve listened to Beach House by Carly Rae Jepsen.
Some things I watched this month:
- Bodies Bodies Bodies - Did I see this solely because of Lee Pace? Yes. And he wasn’t in it nearly enough. Also, it is not a good movie.
- The Rehearsal - Look, I get it, it was fine. Definitely not the masterpiece that everyone claims it is. Love Nathan Fielder, though. A Canadian king.
- Sister Act - Okay, I haven’t rewatched this in maybe… twenty years? It’s still amazing. And god, that soundtrack. All hits.
- Violation - My friend Dusty made this movie and it’s incredible. No bias either, I promise you - he’s just wildly talented.
I also got to go to Canada for a short visit to see some friends and family, which is always great.

I finally got to visit my best friend Harmeet’s lake house in Ontario and it. was. unreal. Such a fun few days away.

lake house daytime pier view liz heather

liz heather harmeet litt august 2022 best friends — Harmeet!

Is it weird that I’ve never done a tea service before? Wait, is that how I even word that? In any case, my dear friend Marla took me to my first one! I can’t believe how many things you get. We went to The Wild Tart in Elora, Ontario and it was wonderful.

While we were in Elora, we also went to see the gorge and quarry (where scenes from It were filmed!). I had no idea that Elora was such a nice little town. I also discovered this greeting card company that I’m absolutely in love with.

elora ontario quarry august 2022 — Elora Quarry, August 2022

elora quarry ontario Canada august 2022 liz heather — Marla!

Some things I’m looking forward to this month: I’m pretty excited about coming up with my autumn list of things to do this year, I need to catch up on writing some travel posts that I’ve been putting off since July, I need to make some final decisions on our Halloween costumes, and we’re getting a brand new oven that I’m pretty jacked about.

If you have any interest in what went on in July, come on over here.

baby dog august 2022 liz heather — That’s her excited-for-September face

April 5, 2021

March Magic 2021

by Liz Heather in Advice, Beauty, Best of NYC, Food, Ideas, Links, Music, Personal, Products, Recipes, Reviews, Television

Cherry Blossoms are in bloom at the University of Washington right now - Photo By Kai Wang

Am I alone in thinking that was the longest March of all time? It truly felt like it would never end. Usually I love my birthday month, but with everything still the way it’s been for the past year, there really didn’t feel like much of a reason to celebrate. Also, Nathan got COVID. It was awful and scary and I was worried about how he’d be, but all is well and he just got his vaccine this past weekend, which is incredible. So a real roller coaster type of month, but thank god it’s over.

Here’s everything that went down last month.

I recapped how my winter list of things to do went.
Forever an optimist, I made a list of spring things that I’d like to do. One of my favourite things to do is get a pedicure on the first day of a season. I don’t get them very often at all, so it’s a nice way to usher in some new weather.
I finished watching Superstore, which is such a great show. I would’ve never watched it on my own, so this is why you have to listen to your best friend’s recommendations sometimes. They know more than you. Also, it was weird as hell to hear the Smashing Pumpkins song Today in one episode. Just seemed like a strange pairing, them and this show. Or any show, really. But I mean they did lend a song to that Apple ad, so I guess the old days of Billy Corgan complaining about everything are over.
I read and reviewed Joan Rivers’ book Enter Talking.
I made my way back to Lilia with Irene to devour their seasonal leek focaccia & green salted butter, which is always heaven on a plate. (Me and focaccia have had a pretty strong love affair going on for some time now. I plan on making it at home soon, but I can’t decide on the flavouring I’ll want to add to it. There are too many possibilities.) We also shared two pastas: the corzetti with pine nuts, marjoram & parmigiano reggiano as well as the sheep’s milk cheese agnolotti with saffron, dried tomato & honey. Always a good meal here. Might benefit from some new pastas, though.

My sweet baby girl, leek focaccia & her green salted butter

Irene Morales New York City Brooklyn Lilia 2021 — Stunning Irene & pasta

Liz Heather Lilia New York City 2021 — I’m very excited for bread

I got my first Moderna shot! I usually have tons of anxiety around needles, but somehow it wasn’t a problem this time (maybe because I had the kindest nurse on the planet). It sounds so simple, but she told me to look away, to take a deep breath and while I was taking that breath she put the needle in and THAT WAS IT. So grateful for that advice. Must remember that for life now. I have my next shot on April 8th! (I did get COVID arm, but it went away in 24 hours so it really wasn’t a big deal.) Also, I’ll definitely ask a medical professional, but if it’s allowed then I’m definitely getting my card laminated for free.

There’s this great, cute new store called Gift Box on Broadway in Astoria. It’s very similar to Lockwood, only better. Lots of cards, gifts, beauty products, candles, that kind of thing.
It’s green garlic season and we must all celebrate! I’ve also decided that I might devote my life to compound butters. Making them, eating them, giving them away as gifts potentially. Maybe this is what’s been missing.
Google image search the vagar faroe islands and let’s go.
I can’t stop putting this Esti vegan feta on everything, it tastes exactly like regular feta only slightly less salty.
Everything from the brand Umbra is gorgeous.
These are officially (and my niece Layla can attest to it) the greatest socks on the planet. Not too tight, not too short or high, and soft as a cloud.
Best kale caesar dressing I’ve had in months. And I love the idea of using breadcrumbs instead of croutons to liven things up a bit.
I made this roasted winter citrus and wow was it hot fruit. It should be a crime to make something look this good, but taste average as hell.
I started using the app Google Keep to organize all of my lists and tasks and I love it. It’s so much better than using Notes.
HOW have I never even HEARD of Shake Shack’s Innovation Kitchen?! AND HOW HAVE I NEVER BEEN. It’s moved to the top of my current Must Visit list.
I may or may not have fallen down a rabbit hole of incredible Melissa Clark recipes. Love this woman.
If you live in Englewood, New Jersey, how do you not just LIVE at this bakery? My god. Every item. In my mouth. Now.
And listen, I’m no scientist, but this seems like huge news…?
If you find yourself anxious or unsettled, this video of lasagna being made from scratch is the most soothing thing I’ve come across in months.
Target sells candles?! I’m the last person on earth who learned this. $4 for an actually great mini candle is wild.
Tried a slice of the red velvet cake from Milk Bar and it was unexpectedly good. I don’t usually care about red velvet (because it’s a scam?), but honestly their cakes always find a way to taste amazing.
I made this cajun linguine and it was so lackluster, I hate when a pasta recipe doesn’t work out. It’s so upsetting. Also, cajun seasoning can blow me.
They’re opening a Sonic in Manhattan, which I’ve never been to before, is it worth going?
I know Eataly is for tourists, but once in awhile I like to stop in to peruse. I tried one of their prepackaged foods (the eggplant parmesan) and it was a hard pass. Just no flavouring at all. The only thing that saved the day were their individual little Italian chocolates. Always amazing. I do want to eventually try their dried pasta Afeltra since I’ve heard such good things about it.
I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely not ready to watch documentaries about the pandemic yet. I don’t know if I’ll ever want to. I mean… we’re still IN IT, for christ’s sake. HBO needs to just sit down.
Tell me that you know the song Sea of Love.
You had me at “cheese-oozing focaccia.”
Great piece on diet culture by Julia Turshen.
When I was in Seattle in April a few years ago, I wandered onto the University of Washington’s campus and was blown away by their gorgeous cherry blossoms. They have a livestream of them right now, if you’d like to take a look.
With plastic bags officially banned now, I desperately need a basket bag to take when I go to the farmer’s market. So f-ing lovely. Everyone will think I’m Belle or some shit.
I don’t think I’ve ever had a fresh Jamaican patty in my life, so I’m definitely going here the next time I’m in Mississauga.
I love this chickpea salad, especially after adding basil.
Some of these are actually really great tips.
How on earth have I never heard of the restaurants Dell’anima or Anfora?! They’re both under the Joe Campanale umbrella (of L’Artusi fame)! I’m so excited to go. Just look at those menus.
Speaking of, I can’t go for too long without eating the wagyu steak tartare at L’Artusi. It’s a problem. (It also makes me want to buy a really great finishing olive oil, so I’m looking into that. I’m thinking either Monini or Frantoia.)

One thing I’ve started to do that you should too: buy good butter. I stopped buying margarine many years ago and thought I was a better person for buying regular grocery store butter. But sweetie, you can do more. The butter (specifically European butter) in specialty shops or some bakeries or markets is EONS better than the run-of-the-mill basic grocery butter. And it enhances literally everything that you use it in. Right now, the butter in my fridge is beurre de baratte butter and it’s ridiculously good. Obviously I’m not going to use this butter when I’m baking because I’m not a millionaire, but when I’m making something savory for dinner? Or a compound butter? Or on top of asparagus? On some bread as a snack? It’s unreal.
Speaking of food advice: don’t buy your parmesan at the grocery store either. I’ve never had amazing parmesan from there. It’s always the same, even the expensive stuff. Get your ass to a cheese shop. Enough already, you’re an adult.
I tried a CBD chocolate and just as I thought: it’s a scam. Just like red velvet. It did nothing for nobody.
I bought this tea tree toner on a whim from The Body Shop and I might keep buying it for the rest of time. I use it on my face right when I get out of a hot shower and it’s kept my face feeling incredible lately.
A new coffee shop opened up in my neighbourhood called Coffee Avenue and I can’t recommend it enough. The macadamia milk hot chocolate blew my face off.
I finally ate at Bar Primi in the city and it was spectacular. We had the ricotta crostino with hazelnuts & truffle honey (which is almost like a dessert, it’s so good), the linguine with 4 cloves of garlic & breadcrumbs as well as the penne ragu alla bolognese with ricotta which was the very best. Can’t wait to go again. Loved the atmosphere of the place, too.
The seasonal candle is out at Trader Joe’s and it’s grapefruit, which smells perfect. I’ve finally stopped hoarding their candles and have started burning them. Only took me a year of lockdown to realize I should try to enjoy my life.
Lemon Kit-Kats exist and all is right with the world. Delicious.
I don’t go very often, but I’ll always love The Dutch. Perfect cornbread. Perfect tartare. You can’t go wrong.

Housemade scallion-chipotle cornbread with whipped butter

Wagyu steak tartare, capers, bearnaise aioli

*Note: if it seems like I eat a lot of steak tartare - I do. Good observation. It’s incredible.
Controversial opinion but the Dove chocolate peanut butter eggs are one millions times better than Reese’s peanut butter cups. I couldn’t believe it either.

This leads me to another declaration: Easter candy might be better than Halloween candy. Hear me out. Halloween candy is almost chaotic when you think of the candy options, it’s overwhelming and more often than not, disappointing. Easter candy, however, is usually always new and fresh each season. They’ve got to work harder to get you to notice Easter candy, so infact you’re getting a more well thought out product, which usually tastes better. Anyway, can you tell I’m depressed…?
I went to the new Ulta location in NYC in Herald Square and it’s great, it seems bigger than the UWS one and it’s way more convenient to visit. Must remember. Oh! But speaking of Ulta, remember how last year they had such great birthday gifts? They really dropped the ball this year. They’re trying to give a $5 Mario Badescu facial spray as the March gift?! Are you fucking serious?! That’s the worst. Literally the worst gift of all the months. Fighting every urge in my body to write them a strongly-worded letter about this. Just insanity. I didn’t even go claim it. Keep your damn gift, no spray can calm me down from this.
New love: macadamia milk in my iced coffee in the morning. Just heavenly.
I rewatched Wall-E and what a great movie. For all ages. Too perfect.
Love the song Team by Lorde.
I watched the Woody Allen & Mia Farrow documentary on HBO and it’s obviously a must watch. So many things I didn’t know about that story were shown, this man needs to be stopped.
If you ever get a new phone and you want to transfer over all of your WhatsApp messages to your new phone (and you’ve never backed them up), you can pay $40 and use this site to do it.
The new Super Mario World in Japan looks incredible.
Do not judge me, but I ordered (and returned) a SKIMS bralette. I was swayed by a few photos of women wearing it and wanted to see for myself what it felt like. Verdict: crap. Sure, the material is soft but only because it’s so poorly made and unsupportive. An immediate return. The beautiful colours of the bras are what sells the product, in my opinion. It’s so hard to find well made, beautiful browns and neutrals in undergarments.
Speaking of what’s her name, I also ordered this KKW mini lip liner set that I’m unfortunately in love with. I use it as a lip liner and filler, and each fucking one is gorgeous. I’m going to do a post to show you. You’ll see what I mean.
I came across this wonderful stationary store in Chelsea, City Papery. I could spend hours roaming the aisles in there. Made a mental note to go back to get some really beautiful envelopes (why on earth am I still buying the basic-ass white envelopes at CVS??), such a great store.
I’m proofreading a book right now about the idea of living with intention and I’ll post a link to it as soon as it’s released later this year. It’s honestly one of the best self help things I’ve read in a long time.
I’ve had a Pinterest account forever and I recently organized a lot of the recipes into seasonal categories, which has inspired me to make so many new meals this season. Check it. Also, I haven’t tried these yet, but these spring recipes (below) sound delicious.
I’ve mentioned my filmmaker friend Dusty before (his film Violation was at Sundance this year), well his movie is a Critic’s Pick in the The New York Times this month, which is amazing and so well deserved. Truly could not happen to a better person.
I have eaten approximately five pounds of asparagus since spring began and I can’t see myself stopping anytime soon. It’s so fucking good. One grievance: that huge, fat asparagus. Why’s it so big like that?? Unnatural as hell. Give me that thin, beautiful asparagus that’s increasingly so hard to find any day. And to anyone who’s like, “Don’t you hate how it makes your pee smell?” - why you gotta go smell your pee? Be normal, weirdo.
I did Nathan’s podcast and we talked about how it’s been so beneficial to get some intentional offline time each Sunday.
Here were the best tweets of the month.

Some things that I’m looking forward to this month: I’m trying so hard to find a way to stream the last three episodes of Stanley Tucci’s Searching For Italy which has been impossible to find, will definitely go check out Little Island, excited to maybe go to the Kusama exhibit, I’d really like to make the Carbone garlic bread, I want to locate and try milk bread, my brother Robbie told me to mix balsamic vinegar & mayo and put it on a burger so I’ll try that soon, I bought some dried Rao’s pasta so I can’t wait to make it, I’m so excited that movie theatres are opening on the 2nd here (I’ll be fully vaccinated very soon so this is great), and I’m adding a resolution: I’d like to do one new thing on the first of every month (examples: buy stock in something, eat ramen, etc.).

If you’ve got any interest in reading last month’s roundup, you can see what went down in February over here.

February 4, 2021

January Jewels 2021

by Liz Heather in Beauty, Food, Ideas, Links, Movies, Music, Personal, Products, Recipes, Television

Mississauga Ontario snow 2021 — My parent’s backyard

Wonderful, a new month! Even I’m not sure when I’m being sarcastic anymore. You know what I realized this month? This is technically year three of Covid-19 since it started in late 2019. Should I have kept that information to myself? Probably. I’m sorry. In any case, time moves on and we’re in a new month, so here’s what went down last month.

Before I begin, every January I make sure to:
- Mark down all important holidays/birthdays/anniversaries (also Daylight Saving Times, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Thanksgiving) on my calendar
- Check expiration dates for passport/license/health card/insurance/vet vaccinations and write down any important renewal dates
I recapped how my 2020 resolutions turned out. Spoiler alert: it’s not impressive.
I made my 2021 resolutions because I’m determined to live optimistically.
Here are some of my favourite photos from 2020.
I really want to make these A-Z foods that I’ve never made before throughout the year. Kind of really excited about this.
I’ve officially become obsessed with making end-of-the-year videos.
The new 2021 birthday gifts at Sephora have been announced! (Speaking of Sephora, have you seen the price point for Jennifer Lopez’s new line of products? Hahahahah, just wild.)
I read and reviewed Alek Trebek’s memoir, which was really good.
I made this carbonara from Bon Appetite and it BLEW! It was the first recipe that I made this year so I. was. PISSED.
I couldn’t find a Detroit style pizza place near my parent’s house (grow up, Mississauga) so I had no other choice but to get takeout from Descendant in Toronto and it was incredible.

The 8 x 10 “no name” from Descendant Pizza, Toronto

I listened to Taylor Swift’s evermore and the favourites are: champagne problems, tolerate it, and evermore.
I’ve been using my parent’s air fryer and, surprise surprise, it’s amazing. Obviously it makes everything taste great, but the best part is that it’s so much faster than a regular oven. The best thing I’ve made so far was definitely these pickles.
These are the greatest frozen french fries in Canada. Eat them. I promise. They’re lightly coated, but still thin and crispy.
I’d never even heard of The Devil’s Own which seems insane because two of the hottest nineties men are in it. Good movie? Not so much. I’d watch it again on mute though maybe.
If you’d like to momentarily be transported back to your childhood on Saturday mornings, get your ass over here for a second.
Speaking of the past, do you remember Heritage Minutes in Canada? God, some of them were really, really good. My favourite ones were the Laura Secord one, the Superman one, the Winnie one, and definitely the Marconi one.

@theladyshortcake
#fy #fyp
♬ Jake25.17 sound - 🦋Olivia🦋

I bought another bodysuit from Aritzia, but I mean look at this one. It’s heavenly. I can’t wait to wear it for Baby Dog on my way to the kitchen.
And I mean since I was already on the site, I also bought this honey/beige-coloured headband and matching mittens. I officially look adorable.
Still in love with the Dennis Gross peels, I just wish they weren’t so unreasonably priced.
I made this BA pasta with mushrooms and it was waaay too salty, what the hell is going on with me fucking up recipes these days?!
I tried this frozen vegan pizza and it was actually not terrible! Like, not as terrible tasting as regular frozen pizza.
Remember Grand & Toy (it was near Walter’s Music in Square One in the 90s)? I have to make a mental note to start using them instead of Staples. I loved that store for school supplies when I was a kid. Gotta support.
I’ve been watching the new Jeopardy! episodes with Ken Jennings and the first one was terrible in my opinion mainly because it just felt so wrong, but as I’ve kept watching I think it’s becoming less weird. I am excited to see the other guest hosts just to see how different they’ll each be.
I tried this drugstore John Frieda sea spray and it was complete crap. I may have overused it, but that’s really not my fault. Why in the hell don’t hair product labels tell you how many pumps you should use?! I swear to god, if only I were running things…
I made popovers for the first time and they were surprisingly easy! I might never buy a dinner roll ever again.

I love the softness of these Indigo pajamas so much that I bought them twice (in both red & blue).
I heard the old Frank Sinatra song That’s Life on the radio the other day and got so teary, maybe ‘cause I haven’t heard it in years? Maybe ‘cause it’s just a perfect song? Am I slowly just losing it? While it was playing, I just kept saying to myself “That IS life!” Yeah, might have lost it.
I watched the newest season of Big Mouth and loved it. The anxiety mosquito might be the best new character introduced in the middle of a series OF ALL TIME. Such a great show.
I started watching Superstore (mostly in the background) and it’s pretty good! I’ve only seen a few episodes, but I definitely get the appeal.
I made these ganache-stuffed chocolate chip cookies and they were just lovely. Love a ganache, love that word.
Also made these salted tahini butter chocolate chip cookies (quite good!) because I’m going through a light depression, evidently.
My friend Dusty got his film Violation into Sundance and it’s wild that I know such immensely talented people. So, so proud of him.
I made blintzes with a Grand Marnier mascarpone (the blintz recipe is, of course, from Chef John and the mascarpone recipe is from one of Stanley Tucci’s cookbooks). It was delicious. It seems so intimidating to make crepes, but it was actually so easy and fun. Plus it looks like it’d be such a complicated thing to make, but I’d say it’s even easier than baking cookies.

Blintz with Grand Marnier mascarpone & wild blueberries in a cranberry coulis

I tried to read Ijeoma Oluo’s newest book Mediocre and I just couldn’t get into it. Even I was surprised because I love her work, so maybe I’ll give this one another try at a later date.
I had a real craving for a good bagel and since I’m not near Brooklyn Bagel in Astoria at the moment, I looked up the best place in this area for a bagel and went to the Old Bagel House on Lakeshore. And look, I respect what they’re doing, but they don’t hold a candle to New York bagels. Hard pass.
I’ve been using this tea tree night lotion from The Body Shop for years now, it really calms down your face before bed. Their entire tea tree collection is hard to beat.
I bought this jewelry stand and jewelry box both from Simons and they’re so divine.
Loving this makeup brush cleaner (especially the mini size for traveling). Expensive brush cleaners make zero sense to me.
I tried the Snoop Dogg wine and it was wine! (There’s not a spelling error or word missing there, it really was just wine.)
I made Creamy Cod & Potato Gratin and it was delicious, god I love tarragon.

I recently started eating frozen Canadian wild blueberries and they taste so blueberry. It’s madness. They’re so tiny and full of flavour, I couldn’t believe it. I’m so used to the blandness of blueberries from literally everywhere else. NO ONE TOLD ME ABOUT THESE!
I also tried sumo citrus oranges and yes they were good, but nowhere NEAR as good as cara cara oranges.
Right now, Scaddabush has a pretty sweet family deal of a lasagna, salad & focaccia for $40 and it easily feeds four people, with leftovers.
Favourite tweets of the month ahead.

no one is “born bi,” you watch The Mummy at a formative age and the whole cast turns you bi
— Elle (@Elle_Enasalin) December 30, 2020

Maybe this year will be better than the last
— Counting Crows (@CountingCrows) January 1, 2021

Using negative COVID tests to decide if it’s safe to go to parties is like using pregnancy tests as contraception.
— Kay M. Dingwell🍁🩺🏳️‍🌈 (@CanadianKayMD) December 31, 2020

In 34 years on this planet I’ve learned one very important lesson that I’m going to pass on to you fellas. She can eat your fries. You cannot eat her fries
— Crockett🍀 (@CrockettForReal) August 17, 2020

when the subtitles are like "speaks foreign language" i'm like...yes, girl...and what they be sayin??
— sydney battle (@SydneyBattle) January 2, 2021

My one wish for post-pandemic life is the return of the conversation pit as a popular architectural feature. pic.twitter.com/l3M0aCxhmu
— Dave Schilling (@dave_schilling) January 3, 2021

I choose to believe crop circles are real because I love the thought of aliens coming to earth and then being like “now time for some arts and crafts”
— Michael Benjamin (@mfbenji) January 3, 2021

Paul Rudd is a glimmering example of an 8 who became a 10 by having a good personality. That’s right folks, you can go up by +2 just by being wonderful
— Marisa Galvez (@masiragz) January 2, 2021

Somehow went from “Suck it up, Snowflake, you lost!” to “Oh we lost? Let’s shred the Constitution.”
— Rachel Dratch (@TheRealDratch) January 3, 2021

Please stay home, wear a mask, and get the vaccine. My child told me today his best friend is the number 35.
— Leila Cohan (@leilacohan) January 3, 2021

"Reduce Stress" isn't an acceptable treatment suggestion for any ailment unless the doctor telling you to do it is offering to cover your expenses while you rest.
— Rosa Pasquarella (@whatrosasaid) January 5, 2021

Almost a year later and I still think it’s absurd that we’re all expected to carry on like everything isn’t bizarre. No change in work schedules, hours or anything. We’re really the “this is fine” meme come to life.
— Creole Lady Grey Poupon (@theelectwoman08) January 4, 2021

wanna open a bar called “plot twist” where upon entering the establishment you suddenly learn that you are that evenings bartender
— Kristen Arnett (@Kristen_Arnett) January 5, 2021

i used to think that commissioning a hologram of your wife's dead father who you never met and having him call you a genius from beyond the grave was proof of a perfect marriage but i guess i'll have to rethink https://t.co/UyOoVfIGMa
— Emily Heller (@MrEmilyHeller) January 6, 2021

tort yells at food pic.twitter.com/CebiOG1bmF
— Tortoise (@TortoisesDaily) January 6, 2021

I know kim happy she don’t have to wear them hunger games clothes no more
— greta gerNIG (@NILES100) January 6, 2021

stop rebooting spiderman and batman every two years and give us what we really want: a zorro who fucks
— karl hess (@karlhess) January 4, 2021

Donald Trump: a man who started life on third base and ended up destroying baseball
— DC Pierson (@DCpierson) January 6, 2021

2016: it’s only four years, how bad can it get

2021: are the armed insurrectionists storming the Capitol aware that there is a plague ravaging the land
— Owl! at the Library 😴🧙‍♀️ (@SketchesbyBoze) January 7, 2021

this is my favorite photo of the year. John Trumbull’s Surrender of General Burgoyne sitting right there and he grabs a PODIUM?! FUND ARTS EDUCATION NOW! 🤡 pic.twitter.com/nfT37LZoM1
— Antwaun Sargent (@Sirsargent) January 7, 2021

I want to take up painting and paint horrifying portraits of friends for their birthday and tell them I worked really hard on it.
— Kase Raso (@KaseRaso) January 8, 2021

twitter now that trump is banned from it pic.twitter.com/lKyb2IMauD
— louis’ gf (REAL!!!) loves preethi (@hscatrry) January 8, 2021

jAsOn MAntZoUkaS tAlkS LiKe ThIS soMEhOw?
— Lizzie Logan (@lizzzzzielogan) January 8, 2021

"This is not who I am" -me eating my 6th slice of pizza
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) January 8, 2021

Simply the best.
Thank you, Alex. pic.twitter.com/GgXbV4AWMt
— Jeopardy! (@Jeopardy) January 8, 2021

What’s always appalled me about this country is how we have so much more empathy for powerful people who commit crimes out of greed than for poor people who commit crimes out of desperation.
— Ida Bae Wells (@nhannahjones) January 9, 2021

buying clothes online:

"the model is 6'3" and wearing a size small."
— ☕netw3rk (@netw3rk) January 9, 2021

Once my husband was reading a Halloween book to our 4 y/o niece & she pointed to a vague monster in the background of an illustration.
“Who IS that?” she asked.
“I don’t know,” he answered.
Then like an exhausted magazine editor in chief, she sighed “It’s probably a ghoul.”
— Andrew Farmer (@thatsajellyfish) January 9, 2021

me going on a stupid little daily walk just to feel something pic.twitter.com/Yi6VVHVVB6
— ruby 🐊 (@roobeekeane) January 8, 2021

the gender pay gap is mostly fucked up bc like what do men even have to buy?
— Audrey Kaufman (@KaufmanAudrey) January 9, 2021

dating someone who can stay kind even during fights is very important
— ً (@Kidxfx) January 9, 2021

I just pushed my grandmother down the basement steps. My parents want to call the cops on me, but I don't know how that would unify this family.
— Chip Chantry (@ChipChantry) January 10, 2021

pic.twitter.com/P9c6IakEre
— ₩abzz 👾 (@Nabzzino) January 9, 2021

Americans only love the college experience because it's the only time in their lives they live in walkable communities
— 𝖆𝖟𝖚𝖑𝖎𝖙𝖔 (@Bro_Neill) January 10, 2021

that morning field trip air was just different
— Nope (@memequeenyerp) January 8, 2021

His dad owned a fucking emerald mine during the apartheid https://t.co/qIDzQFopXo
— Diamond hands Josh (@gokuw33dlord) January 11, 2021

sex is cool but have you ever been brown while watching white terrorists dragged off a plane
— Fizaa Dosani (@FizaaDosani) January 11, 2021

I'd like to teach y'all a Southern phrase that will help you get off a phone/Zoom/Facetime call or you don't want to be on anymore but don't have an excuse to leave. Let me introduce you to the power of "Well, let me let you go"
— sara (@_saracannon) January 12, 2021

I actually cannot stop laughing at this hahaahahahaha pic.twitter.com/viiqCwBsMn
— jack rem x (@jackremmington) January 13, 2021

my mom: we’re just gonna have a few people over, I’ll make something simple

also my mom: pic.twitter.com/CQWFYpLwO8
— عابد (@NasheedWallace) January 13, 2021

my first time making focaccia !! ✨ not perfect but i tried lol 😊 pic.twitter.com/drjHAIocsB
— Jubilee ❣️ (@16pxl) January 14, 2021

Government of Ontario Marvin Gaye

🤝
"What's going on"
— Sailor Sad 🌹 (@abaquan) January 14, 2021

ONLY person going through border from Canada to US. Customs agent looked at me the way a server does when you walk into their restaurant that’s about to close
— Nathan Macintosh (@Nathanmacintosh) January 14, 2021

me, scrolling by terrible, non-harmful opinions on this hellsite and not stopping: pic.twitter.com/PthfOB8EX2
— Preeti Chhibber (@runwithskizzers) January 15, 2021

me going through the TSA body scanner pic.twitter.com/BBGigtyA98
— elizabeth (@peeanofreek) January 15, 2021

Live clip of Canada managing Covid-19 vaccine distribution... pic.twitter.com/PEUXkVMW4t
— PETER ANTHONY (@peterisfunny) January 15, 2021

Only relatable part of nineties television is Danny Tanner compulsively cleaning bc it’s only thing he can control.
— Lindsay Theisen (@lindsaytheis) April 12, 2020

had a dream my girl shit herself at the club so i shit MY self to make her feel better😭😭😭why the fuck we aint just leave😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
— chris (@yunglame) January 15, 2021

bunch of high schoolers just walked past my car in the Taco Bell drive thru I was playing coldplay loud as hell. one of em made eye contact wit me, said something to his friends and they all laughed. this is the worst day of my life
— first-mate prance (@bocxtop) January 16, 2021

The US isn't even a country, it's just three corporations in a trench coat
— Chairman Kooks | UBSA ☭ (@shawarmacommie) January 16, 2021

Tim Hortons new ad campaign: our dark roast coffee gets a little less shitty every few years”
— Steve Patterson (@patterballs) January 17, 2021

It’s a good day when you find out it isn’t YOUR Backstreet Boy that’s into Q
— Babs Gray (@BabsGray) January 16, 2021

The biggest scam is cooking for 2 hours just to eat for ten minutes
— 🥂 (@Jackaldinh0) January 13, 2021

Nobody defends billionaires more than hundredaires.
— AC Tatum (@actatumonline) January 16, 2021

telling the song to “shut up” right before you skip it >>>>>
— Alfred (@fredtv_) January 16, 2021

i love how insane everyone is becoming
— insider (@housetrotter) January 18, 2021

Oh gawd he's going to open Canada's Wonderland isn't he. https://t.co/abfPkOllTY
— Jeremy Woodcock (@jwPencilAndPad) January 18, 2021

happy birthday Dolly Parton!! I will honor her, like I do every year, by having huge boobs and being nice
— Laura Peek (@laurapeek_) January 19, 2021

I am only now learning of the "body diversity" Vogue cover from 2017 and I cannot stop laughing.https://t.co/yMeuiBW8jB pic.twitter.com/gEJnE1j7Fu
— Michael Hobbes (@RottenInDenmark) January 18, 2021

He seems like a very happy old man looking forward to a bright and wonderful future. So nice to see! pic.twitter.com/G8gObLhsz9
— Greta Thunberg (@GretaThunberg) January 20, 2021

no thoughts ... just ... baby snoopy pic.twitter.com/uKQkwHN1Pm
— ً (@voidshitter) January 20, 2021

u gotta be ur biggest supporter https://t.co/SkUdpvhwRE
— nope (@LilNasX) January 22, 2021

It’s wild that “not everyone gets food” is how we’ve decided to organize society.
— Wendy Molyneux (@WendyMolyneux) January 23, 2021

So many JLo movies start with a long sequence to ease you into the idea that in the world of this movie, JLo is just a regular looking girl.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) January 23, 2021

leave butter out on the counter you cowards
— karl hess (@karlhess) January 23, 2021

today’s young vegetarians will never know the adrenaline rush of ordering a veggie burger in 2006 with not the faintest idea of what you were about to receive
— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) January 25, 2021

What can i do to make sure nothing bad ever happens to me ever again ? so far my idea is buy something
— helena (@freshhel) January 24, 2021

Funny how people can separate Tom Brady’s politics from his game, but struggle to do the same when it comes to Kaepernick.
— Ahmed Ali (@MrAhmednurAli) January 25, 2021

The notes app is a uniquely melancholy place where banal tasks like "buy paper towels" live next to incoherent, sad aspirations like "become more like safdie brothers" (??)
— walker (@walkercapl) January 25, 2021

I’ve been attacked. pic.twitter.com/YhrOnRxWKM
— Matthew Strugar (@MatthewStrugar) September 18, 2020

the one thing I know about stocks is that they rise in value if people believe in them and I just want to say, same
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) January 28, 2021

Baby girl just got glasses and can now see clearly for the very first time. Makes my heart smile.

This is the Twitter content I’m here for...💪😍😇😊😍pic.twitter.com/2Gm9KpJmdb
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) December 12, 2019

Been together since 4pm, no problems. I go to the bathroom ONCE 45 seconds in, and I have to rush out to this: pic.twitter.com/AN1iaZYe2k
— MV (@madelaneeee) September 27, 2019

When someone who wasn’t previously thirst trapping starts posting sexy pics I’m like YES babe also who are these about tell me everything
— Allison O'Conor (@allisonoconor) January 27, 2021

Doug Ford pic.twitter.com/hj3BpFByq0
— alan crane lewis 🏗 (@TheAlanShane) January 27, 2021

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) January 29, 2021

pic.twitter.com/zM5HFwz3jj
— out of context community (@darkestimeline) January 29, 2021

It's so cold in New York this weekend, I think I might stay inside since last March.
— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) January 30, 2021

The government making vaccine appointment booking online only is a pretty good case for making the internet a public utility.
— pls vaccinate me (@onekade) January 28, 2021

Mix it up this weekend by staring into a different part of the void
— tom (@pilau) January 30, 2021

I once asked friends on Facebook for the craziest LA advice their parents had given & 1 said their mom told her to wear a fake ponytail when jogging so if someone grabbed it to try to rape her it would pull out like a lizard's tail and boy do women have a lot more to worry about.
— Benjamin Siemon (@BenjaminJS) January 30, 2021

all sober people straight rawdogging this pandemic should be first for the vaccine
— Ely Kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) January 31, 2021

For everyone who is like, “A SATC reboot without Samantha? She’s the sex!” Sure. But she’s been the best friend anyone could ask for since Day One. When I think Samantha - I think this moment sums up her entire existence. That wink!! pic.twitter.com/QrsjnZMFLi
— JEN KIRKMAN 👩🏻‍💻 (@JenKirkman) January 31, 2021

Sometimes is ok to wake up and choose violence. At least once a month.
— iamcardib (@iamcardib) January 31, 2021

Charles Manson carved a swastika in his forehead and his lawyers didn't quit.
— Mike Larsen (@MikeLarsenOH) January 31, 2021

A “new” “month” of this “year” “starts” “tomorrow”
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) February 1, 2021

I will never forgive covid for stealing one of my hot years
— Marisa Galvez (@masiragz) February 1, 2021

Covid also wasted one of your enemy’s hot years
— Max Hoover (@bigtenniscourt) February 3, 2021

Some things that I’m looking forward to this month: I will continue to watch and love all upcoming new Riverdale episodes (thank you season five for bringing this song back into my life), I might make these french onion stuffed shells because they sound insane, I’m excited to watch Stanley Tucci’s CNN cooking show Searching For Italy, I might fall into the world of focaccia bread art, I’d love to attempt ANY of these hairstyles, and I’m so excited to hear when the final season of Shrill will finally air.

If you’ve got any interest in reading last month’s roundup, you can see what went down in December over here.