Each month, I’ll share my favourite tweets from the past month within my end-of-the-month post that I always do, but since those lists are getting so long I’ve decided that they officially need their own post. So here we are, these were the funniest, best tweets of March 2021.
You can find my favourite tweets of last month over here, if you’re so inclined and you can see more posts like this on my latest newsletter.
How do I even start this? Why am I even writing this? Does any of this matter? I don’t know.
Life is not normal anymore and I don’t know when it will be. That sentence alone makes me want to bury myself underneath a blanket with Baby Dog and never come out. There have been such nice, calming days mixed with insane, sleepless nights and I can’t find a balance and I guess nobody can and we’re all in this together. So what are you supposed to do? Stay home. Eat everything. Listen to music you love. Watch things that make you happy. Write to people who care for you. Read things that can uplift you or help you escape. And in the meantime, I guess I’m here to tell you what I loved and hated over the past month. Behold the best meme I’ve seen in a long time.
NOTE: All of the things below that involved me leaving my house happened before March 15th when life in NYC was still semi-normal.
I finally went for dinner at I Sodi and it was disappointing! What the fuck! This isn’t rocket science but why would cold bread be served in a covered basket? Shouldn’t warm bread be covered? For christ’s sake, just throw the bread at me if it’s cold. Also, a good steak tartare doesn’t need any lettuce accessories, get the fucking leaves off of the plate, please. And their lasagna? Yikes. It was overcooked and it felt like eating a sad book. Will not return. (Ugh, even if I wanted to return I can’t.)
I had a slice at Best Pizza Shop in Astoria and it was great! Love a Detroit style slice.
I made it over to Comfortland in Astoria and their crullers were delicious.
I finally tried the birthday cake at Momofuku Milk Bar and my god… the vanilla one (which is even better than the chocolate) is probably the best cake I’ve ever had. You can get them by the slice at their flagship store in NYC or you can be ambitious as hell and make one at home.
The cannoli cream cheese at Brooklyn Bagel & Coffee Company in Astoria is a problem, don’t try it or you’ll forever be in love.
I made a list of things to do during this quarantine that I’m really trying to keep up with.
Favourite tweets of the month:
I watched the (Hulu) Hillary documentary online and it was phenomenal. Everyone should see it.
I chose the Briogeo birthday gift from Sephora and MAN was that the wrong choice. It lasts for two showers! What the hell! I should’ve went with the Milk one. Don’t make my mistake. Oh! And if your birthday falls within the quarantine, just go online to get your birthday gift because they have free shipping right now with the code FREESHIP and you’ll have to buy something since they won’t allow a cart with no total amount, but the cheapest thing you can buy are the mini Sephora Collection cleansing wipes which are $2. So spending $2.19 (tax included) for a birthday gift, makeup wipes and two samples is still pretty good, in my opinion.
On the other hand, the birthday gift from Ulta is incredible. It’s full size and it’s just a great face scrub. It’ll definitely last at least six months, and I like it so much that I might buy another one when it’s done. Sephora could really learn some things from Ulta.
Other than listening to The Phantom of the Opera soundtrack on repeat, I really love this song. Ignore the title.
Nathan and I attempted to rewatch Final Destination and just couldn’t. There are certain movies you just can’t watch at this point in time.
We watched Ticks as well and that was somehow more of an enjoyable time.
Also watched They Live, which I can’t believe I’d never seen before. It’s like a longer Twilight Zone episode, which means it was great.
So incredibly sad to hear about Gotham Bar & Grill. Their food was incredible.
One thing that I’ve started to do is watch food clips in the morning right after I wake up. It’s better than checking your email. It’s better than reading the news. It’s better than anything you’re currently doing. Here’s what I watched this morning.
Had lunch at Astoria Provisions and the food was as good as I hoped. The service was lovely, too.
I made a deconstructed poutine at home on my birthday and it was perfect. I cooked the potatoes, then I spread the curds on top and baked those to melt it a bit. And then I made the gravy and kept the gravy in a separate bowl for dunking. Nothing got soupy or gross! The fries stayed crispy! It was genius, I say.
Why haven’t I always bought my bedsheets at Marshalls? I got a lovely Kate Spade set for $40, which is a deal.
Another incredible New Yorker cover.
I haven’t really attempted to watch any whole episodes of any of the late night talk shows lately but the fact that Jimmy Fallon has his wife filming it and his kids in it is really cute.
I went to Fantasy Explosion in Brooklyn and it was great, wish they had more stuff but what they do have is wicked.
I finished watching the new season of On My Block and just wow (spoilers ahead). Here are my thoughts: I love Jasmine so much and I wish she was the main star of the show, Jamal having sex like that was so weird and abnormal I was almost confused by it, the scene with Spooky and his dad made me cry and I fucking sobbed at the ending.
I love this little girl and this video.
Nathan has been putting this Frank’s Red Hot powder on popcorn and even though I’m not a huge hot sauce fan, this tastes incredible.
Pinky, a chihuahua I love on Instagram, passed away recently and man, just look at this sweetheart.
I’m still so in love with the drying cream from Mario Badescu. It’s magical. I put it on at night when I feel a pimple brewing beneath the surface and by morning it’s no more.
I ordered pair number two of these magical leggings from Aerie.
I’m attempting to learn all of the capitals of every country. I’m always impressed when someone knows the capital of some far off, distant place and now I shall impress myself.
I watched Mommy Dead and Dearest and it was good, but also so upsetting and awful as a story.
Last night the Empire State Building debuted a flashing red and white light display on its mast, “an effect intended to represent America’s heartbeat.”
If you live in Mississauga, The Apple Market (by Camilla Public School) can pull your grocery order for you and you can pick it up curbside if you email them your grocery list to info@theapplemarket.ca - thank you for telling me about this, Marla! It’s eons faster than other major grocery stores are right now, and you’re also helping out a small business, so definitely look into it if you’re interested.
The restaurant Vesta in Astoria is giving out free meals to any laid off restaurant workers in the neighborhood, which is so generous and amazing, love that place, details below.
I went over what I did from my winter list of things to do.
I went on Nathan’s podcast twice and baby you’re gonna be hearing me lots more on it in the coming weeks.
I’m a maniac so I made a spring list of things I want to do.
Things that I’m looking forward to this month: I got a gift card to Sephora from my brother and sister-in-law so I’ll definitely use that (looking for recommendations of new things to try, thinking of getting more Drunk Elephant products since I’ve loved the samples I’ve had in the past), watching more Elaine and Puddy episodes of Seinfeld, I keep thinking of starting Friday Night Lights again but there are so many other things to watch so I can’t decide, I think I’ll write another quarantine ideas list since I keep thinking of more things to add on, and oh can we cancel April Fools Day this year? Nobody needs it right now.
If you’ve got any interest in reading last month’s roundup, you can see what went down in February over here and you can see more posts like this on my latest newsletter. Stay safe!
So this great tweet:
lead me to this great song:
“Don’t retweet compliments on Twitter. It’s weird.”
If you're on Twitter and you're not following Kelly Oxford already, who the hell are you following? She IS Twitter, as far as I'm concerned.
And considering how great her first book was, I cannot wait for the second one she's working on at the moment.
Can't describe to you how much that tweet made me laugh. If you don't already follow The Iron Sheik, you probably should.
I think about this tweet maybe... once a week. Just love it.
Anyway, Pinterest/Buzzfeed/Tumblr have all been telling me for years to put Orajel onto my mosquito bites to make them stop itching. I finally tried it and - fuck. I've never found anything else that works like this stuff. Literally in a matter of seconds. I think it has something to do with the numbing ingredient in it - I don't know, let's not get technical. PLEASE carry this with you wherever there are mosquitoes looming near. This stuff is goddam magic.
This was going to be a post encouraging you to follow Ike Barinholtz, but upon closer inspection - almost everyone I follow on The Mindy Project appears to be pretty great.
How to do a perfect Jeff Bridges imitation in two steps: 1) take a huge bite of a sandwich 2) speak
— Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) September 21, 2013
Nothing makes me feel like my life is out of control than having to use the business center at my hotel
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) September 17, 2013
How am I just now realizing that two governors were in Predator
— Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) August 15, 2013
"I just saw TOP GUN. I got this." - me, 1986. pic.twitter.com/f0oCrd5pfd
— Mark Duplass (@MarkDuplass) July 5, 2013
After a fifteen year analysis I can say that Volcano is better than Dante's Peak
— Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) May 22, 2013
All my eye makeup experiments become a smoky eye
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) June 6, 2013
A gay guy came on to me in a club and I didn't want to seem homophobic so now we're in a committed relationship
— Ed Weeks (@EdwardWeeks) May 3, 2013
smile at a guy and he thinks you're in love with them
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) April 19, 2013
Which is worse for you a pizza or a calzone or are they the same
— Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) April 4, 2013
Just rob me, don't like, linger and make it a home invasion
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) February 26, 2013
This pimple is just part of my face now
— Ike Barinholtz (@ikebarinholtz) February 6, 2013
i don't want to go for a run, i really just want to "have gone for a run."
— Mark Duplass (@MarkDuplass) January 4, 2013
I will instruct my kids: we smile at strangers and never talk to them
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) August 12, 2012
Not a big moneymaker but Tim Burton should design a mini golf course.
— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling) May 13, 2012
Sometimes Follow Fridays (#ff) ) aren't enough. Sometimes you need full posts devoted to endorsing good people to follow on Twitter. And if you are on Twitter, you should definitely be following Mike Scully.
I first heard of him when he was the showrunner on The Simpsons and I listened to countless commentaries that he was apart of for the show. He's really funny and seemed crazy nice from those commentaries, so I added him and I'm so glad I did. Here are some of my favourites of his:
There's nothing sluttier than two thirteen-year-old girls at a carnival.
— Mike Scully (@scullymike) September 21, 2013
Had a fight with my wife then drove home together in an electric car. Talk about your quiet rides...
— Mike Scully (@scullymike) August 23, 2013
If I could kill one person in history, it would be that guy who yells "ONLY ON BRAVO!"
— Mike Scully (@scullymike) August 16, 2013
I never feel more powerful than when I withhold traffic tips from my local radio station.
— Mike Scully (@scullymike) May 11, 2013
WRITING TIP: Every movie should start with a close-up of an alarm clock going off and a hand clumsily trying to silence it.
— Mike Scully (@scullymike) November 4, 2012
Next to murder, the worst thing a human being can do is wave their arms slowly back and forth over their heads at a concert.
— Mike Scully (@scullymike) April 4, 2012
Attention Scriptwriters: the character of a 20-something girl who is "beautiful, but doesn't know it" does not exist in the real world.
— Mike Scully (@scullymike) March 8, 2012
American women's self-esteem has gotten so high they no longer seem to know which one of them is the ugly friend.
— Mike Scully (@scullymike) December 14, 2011
